The Wrong Dial from Hell

We have all, at some point, wrong dialed someone. I can say this with a fair degree of confidence. Yet, typically, these interactions are limited to "Oh, my name is not Winona, and I do not have your cat. You have the wrong number." *Hangs up*

That is, at least, what happens in America. In China, if you are a laowai and dumb enough to own that you are a laowai, the conversation is a very, very different one.

This is the story of the most messed up wrong dial I have ever had in my life, and will likely ever have. How messed up can a wrong dial get? It's still going on, that's how messed up it is.

THE CALL

It started out so innocently. I was trying to call a good friend of mine from America who had just arrived in Beijing. I thought I had the number right, but I was talking to someone over Skype at the time when I was dialing, and I unwittingly entered the last digit as a 6 instead of a 9. You can imagine my surprise when my traditional greeting of "Oh hey! How's Beijing going so far?" was met with "......." and the grumblings of a very male, very Chinese person on the other line. To put this in perspective, I was calling a female, English-speaking friend of mine, who also speaks Chinese, but would not have likely responded to an English greeting sounding like a Chinese man. I quickly ascertained that I had, in fact, called the wrong number, apologized in Chinese, and hung up.

End interaction?

I think not.

The man texts me back in Chinese, with the English equivalent of "Who do you think you are? How did you know I study English? You know, I heard what you said, and you spoke the English incorrectly."

I really should have left that alone. Really, I should have ignored it. But honestly, when I am struggling with a foreign language in a foreign country, and the only thing I know for certain is I have spoken English as long as I have been able to verbalize cogent thought, I am SO not letting some laobaixing Chinese tell me I cannot speak my mother-tongue. So, I text back, in English "Oh, I am sorry, I dialed the wrong number. And, by the way, I know for certain my English is correct, because I am American and an English speaker."

Wrong. Thing. To. Say. That whole "pride cometh before the fall" thing? That text was the "pride."

This was "the fall."

THE FALL

He texts back, going "OH I AM SO SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING blah blah blah." I was ready to leave it alone at that. He knows I wasn't pulling a fast one on him, and that it was a misunderstanding.

Then he calls back.

The conversation that followed went something like this.

Me: Wei? (Hello?)

Chinese dude: Oh, hello, I am sorry, I thought you were a friend of mine playing a trick on me.

Me: Oh hahaha no, I just dialed the wrong number.

Chinese dude: Ohhh hahaha...so you are American?

Me:...yes?

Chinese dude: Oh...how long have you been in China?

Me: One month?

Chinese dude: Oh, your Chinese is so good! (He is assuming, as many Chinese people here do, that I started learning Chinese when I arrived. He thinks I have learned three years worth of grueling Chinese lessons in four weeks. Naturally, he is impressed.)

Me: Oh hahaha thanks (I laughed a lot in this conversation. Mostly because it bought me time to understand what the hell he was saying and figure out how to politely ask "Why the hell are you calling me back?!?!")

Thankfully, he answered my unspoken question.

Chinese dude: So....what are you doing now?

My thoughts: Oh. So that's where this is going. Are you serious? Are you flipping serious?

Me: ...I'm at work (Lies. I was sitting in my room attempting to make my Internet work, I was so not working).

Chinese dude: Oh...what are you doing later tonight?

My thoughts: Oh yes, he is flipping serious. I am being picked up by the guy I wrong dialed.

Me: Oh I gotta get back to work BYE! *Hangs up*

Was this the end of the conversation? Oh, hell no. Not even close.

THE FOLLOW-UP

You know, the Chinese are really good at following up. I have noticed this on multiple occasions. From the guy you wrong dial, however, this is not so much an asset as it is an issue. A serious issue.

This past week, I was waiting for several very important calls from internships and from my Chinese tutor that my study abroad program gives every student. I had never spoken with any of the people I was expecting to hear from, and any of the calls could have been in Chinese. Thus, when I got a call on Monday from an unknown Beijing number, I assumed it was a) one of my internships or b) my new tutor. I was not expecting c).

c) The Wrong Dial Dude from Last Week

Yes, indeed, I deduced halfway through that call that it was c). It wasn't immediately obvious, and even now I cannot be sure. But really, it could only have been him. This was the conversation.

Me: Wei? (Hello?)

Dude: Hello *says things quickly in Chinese that I cannot understand*

Me: ...sorry, what was that? Who is this?

Dude: Oh, I am a friend.

Me:...what is your name?

Dude: uh...Wang (This is like saying his name was Smith. Extremely common, extremely not helpful)

Me: When did we meet? Are you a BeiWai student? (I think it is my tutor at this point)

Dude: haha, we have never met. And no, I am not a BeiWai student.

Me: Oh, are you calling abut the interview? (Now I am thinking internships)

Dude: Oh, heh, no.

Me:...how do you have this number?

Dude: *mumbles incoherently*

Me:...do you speak English?

Dude: Oh, not very well.

I now know this is none of the calls I am expecting. Everyone I was waiting to hear from would need at least a functional ability to speak English.

Dude: What are you doing now?

My thoughts: No way. No. Friggin. Way.

Me: I am running errands (This is true, I was indeed running errands. Sometimes I like to tell my stalkers the truth, just to mix things up a bit.)

Dude: Oh, what are you doing later?

Yeah. This was when I was like "We meet again, Wrong Dial Call from Hell"

Me: Chores. Errands. I gotta go, bye!

At this point, I knew I was in trouble. To be clear, this guy is not in it because I am a girl, or at least that is not his primary concern. It's the English part that has him excited. Native English speakers are highly valued in China, since listening to a native speaker's accent can improve your own accent. The Chinese want to hear me speak English for the same reasons I want to hear them speak Chinese: it perfects the language acquisition. This guy is, I am almost 100% sure, after that elusive native accent. Unfortunately for him, I have no desire to help out the guy I wrong dialed once.

Yet, he is nothing if not persistent. A week later, he texts back, asking to meet. I ignore the text. That was today. This may carry on for quite some time.

So, if you think you have had a rough wrong call, please comment and tell me about it.